I am up on the roof of my barn, morning tai-chi. I go up in the darkness before the sky splashes with color. Alone up there in the dark I feel as if I am standing on the curve of the universe and the world is spinning under me. I am able to detach from myself and circle above while my body goes through the beautiful tai-chi movements. I am living with lupus, that said I am to avoid extreme heat and cold, but here on the roof the cold numbs my aching joints and limbs, muffling the noise of my boisterous daily pain. I can forget for a few moments that I have a debilitating illness that wages a daily war on me.
The sun peeks and colors transform the darkness and I am brought back to earth. This morning I am concentrating on my breathing, balance and ignoring the pain in my feet from the frozen roof shingles under them.
“Katherine Ray Are you tripping?! What in gods name are you doing!?” Breaks the calm of the morning.
It seems the neighbor up on the hill a few acres away has spotted me on the barn edge in some bizarre pose. I calmly turn and causally wave not wanting to shake up the morning calm with a shouting match across the hillside. I go back to regain my focus…no… not going to work now with an audience.
I shimmy back down the side wall and into the large window; quickly wrap myself up into a blanket.
My neighbor’s words still playing over in my mind… I believe everything good or bad happens for a reason and the universe at this time has asked me a question… I start to question myself if I really know what I am doing and how I think I can pull this off. Should I slow down and re-group? No one would blame me…. I grab some coffee and hobble to my laptop…toes are still tiny ice cubes on the end of my feet… where are the fuzzy wool socks when you need them… I have a mountain of paperwork to get caught up on for Metamorphosis. I begin to organize myself and make my lists…oh by the way I love using Evernote for keeping me together… it works well with the way my non linear Dyslexic mind works, check it out… ok commercial over.
A few cups of black strap molasses sweetened coffee later, I am about to let the wave of negative thoughts overtake me, when an email from a grant giver pops up on my email.
When writing and applying for grants the first and most important bit of wisdom I can bestow upon you for proposal success is: make very good friends with the person deciding who is awarded the funds. If they like you they will go out of their way to make sure you have every bit of information you need to make your proposal stand out from the rest. A new message from my latest favorite person awaits me. She is giving me early heads up on a grant I sent in, its going to be approved. It was a small amount of money for an even smaller indie documentary, but it will make a huge difference to this young aspiring filmmaker trying to make her first film. I am not noticing the pain in my still frozen toes any longer!
I hear my neighbor’s voice in my head once again but this time around I can confidently shout back “I know what I am doing and what a great trip this is turning into! “